thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
