puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
