Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
