mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This baby is an asshole
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just pee around me
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Randomize