He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
