Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
