I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
