I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
