dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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