I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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