True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
