the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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