Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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