Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
