Screwed.edu
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
She made me pour olive oil on her.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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