My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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