It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
