i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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