I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
