we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
organizing the empties. That sober.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
