If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize