six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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