i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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