I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
