my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
