every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
