You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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