Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
