I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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