I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
