We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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