Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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