The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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