all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
