I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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