I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize