i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Randomize
