I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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