We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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