Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
