I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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