shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize