i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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