i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
