My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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