fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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