you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
