he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
