You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
