I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
