it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
