Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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