listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
