Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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