I think my fart just growled at me.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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