Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
