my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize