In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
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