I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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