the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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